One Word Movie

England v Australia: The Ashes 2005

OK, look, I know this is not a movie, but it does come on DVD so I'm going to rate it. For England cricket fans this is good. In fact it's so good it's probably better than porn. For everyone else, it's shit. For Australians in particular, it's absolutely fucking appalling. Probably as bad as porno with your mum in it.

It is peculiar watching three DVDs, spending eight and a half hours (without extras) in front of the telly, and feeling that there's not enough, but there isn't. There's only the best bits, the big shots and the wickets. There's none of the brain-shredding tension, none of the build-up, nothing of the actual thrill of it. It's just a record of what went on. But. Let me get this straight. As a sporting achievement I had always dreamed of this, and England winning the World Cup, roughly on an equal basis. A world cup would be a bigger achievement, sure, but when you lost a world cup a nation of big-mouths didn't let you know about it for eighteen solid years.

Anyway, here are my top five moments from the DVDs, distilled for your pleasure.

5) Geoff Boycott purring "That's not hittin', that's batting" at a Flintoff off-driven four.
4) Ponting calling correctly and then opting to bowl, on the opening morning at Edgbaston, with a completely straight face.
3) Being able to relive Ponting getting run out by Gary Pratt, over and over and over again. And then see his subsequent tiff about it, over and over and over again.
2) Australian batsmen shouldering arms, and then watching their off-stumps getting ripped out by savage reverse swing. Even thinking about it makes me laugh
1) The demented parrot noise that Boycott makes when he thinks no-one can hear him. Gilchrist drops Vaughan on 40, and there is satanic off-mic cackling. Then Glen McGrath bowls him next ball, off a no-ball, and the noise is so loud Tony Greig has to ask Boycott to calm down a little. Yorkshire schadenfreude is a beautiful thing.

posted by Chairman Peyote @ 10:15 AM