One Word Movie

Night Watch

This is a shit Russian goth-o-rama about crap vampires in Moscow slugging it out in an epic centuries-old battle between (surprise sur-muthafucking-prise) good and evil. None of the characters have particularly cool powers, and the main crap-vampire hunter can pack them in simply using a torch with a red sweet wrapper held over it. Wankers.

The other thing wrong with this film is, if you have watched more than about six movies in your life, you will know that if there is a slightly freaky looking Malam-child, it will obviously turn out to be the long-lost son of the main hunter dude. So there's no need to have half an hour of flash-back reminding us about something we didn't have to be told in the first place.

It is quite a distinctive-looking film, but none of the imagination that went into the design seems to have carried over into the script. For instance, there is a long sequence where the chief good bloke decides the main dude is a bit rubbish in a swedge and needs to get beefed up a little. So he gives him a stuffed owl which transforms into a real owl which transforms into a helpful lady vampire who hopefully transforms into a Mini Cooper in the next installment. This all takes ages, especially with the flashbacks mixed in. And then what does the helpful lady vampire do? She runs around on rooftops with the useless bloke, and you get to see her tits when she's in the bath, excuse me while I try to stifle my contempt.

posted by Chairman Peyote @ 12:44 PM