One Word Movie

Shit Pie

You might think that Ocean's 12 has had mixed reviews. Some critics say it's good, some say it's vacuous and shit. At first glance, these positions may appear to be contradictory, but I will demonstrate that they are not, not at all. Ocean's 12 sails along on phoned-in performanes, twiddled together by a bored director. It even employs the dreadful movie device of knowing postmodernism. (I thought The Last Action Hero had put a bullet in that lame horse but sadly not. Oh yes and Jacques Derrida is dead, you can stop pretending that you understand, or even more sickeningly, enjoy, his works now.)

The critics who liked Ocean's 12 say that these things are cool, and therefore the film is worth watching. Obviously they are wrong, which qualifies them as wankers. On the other hand, people who like movies that are about something (apart from pro-celebrity nosepicking) say this film is shit. For the time being, these writers are alright with me, I will ignore what they all said about Million Dollar Baby.

So there really is no contradiction. Wankers say it's good, meaning it's shit, and everyone else says it's shit, meaning it's shit.

Obviously I haven't seen this movie, and I have no intention of doing so. I implore you to do the same, so that hopefully in the 25th century they will stop making shit sicked up nothing-movies.

For about half a millisecond I did wonder if I was being harsh to the people involved in this film, slagging it off without even watching so much as the trailer. Well, I thought I was being a little unfair, but then I realised I'm not half as disrespectful as the film-makers, making this warmed-up chewed-over shit pie and then expecting us to pay nine bloody quid for the privilege of getting bored by it. Repeat, do not go and see this, Clooney is turning into Shatner and if you go and see this film you're helping him.

posted by Chairman Peyote @ 2:13 PM